I do not know, too, but I have heard some people telling me that I am one perfect girl -- with the complete, happy family I proudly belong to, supportive friends surrounding me, the true love I found since high school, as well as the warrior-but-kind heart and overall cute looks according to them (haha!), plus the excellent academic standing recorded and all the other successes I have achieved. Well, everything mentioned is correct. But to be honest, I am the other ghUrL. Wanna believe that my life, and me as a person, have been flourishing. It has good, neutral, and bad memories, but I also thought that one of my life peaks happened during college -- all thanks to my kindergarten, grade school, and secondary educ training. I know in myself that I own ~this great thing~ with me ever since, just waiting to be unleashed. And so I did during the undergrad years! Hashtag Dean's Lister! I was happy and fulfilled that I maintained my overall Top 3 rank. Thus, became a consistent university scholar, so the fam's expenses were lighter. These little wins felt like at last, I did something that I would be proud of. Like not just the family proud, but I myself, too. However! Just when I thought my destiny was running smoothly, I got jinxed! While yes, I still graduated holding the Third Rank of Adamson University's Bachelor of Arts in Communication Batch 2016 and the Academic Merit Award. But the Magna Cum Laude standing? It got ripped off. During our time, the university has its rules and regulations that all grades of the laudes must not be lower than 2.5. I cannot believe how I pulled that in seven semesters, too, to be honest! So wow! But during the last and final sem, I received my one and only tres. Pampalubag loob that no one in our batch got the Latin Honors due to this prick's roulette grading system. But still, I, we worked so hard for those! Built for years! And to think it was just a minor subject, ugHhHh! I admit, my heart still flinches whenever this topic arises. Because even if my general weighted average is Magna-Cum-Laude worthy, still shattered Latin Honor dreams and I cannot do anything about it as it is already done. I know I failed completing merit cards in fourth grade and bounced back to the second pilot during my senior year, but... My Latin-Honors-turned-Academic-Merit-Award recognition is still my biggest heartbreak up to date. I know, I know, I know I sound like a spoiled brat while saying this because compared to the failures I had before, this is actually the best of all! But you know why it just pains me so much? Because I never goaled something in my life like this. I know inside me, I deserved that title! Though I still marched with flying colors because I still received the gold medal, I never wanted something so bad and so good at the same time for the self, eh. Even when I was on the high, IDK, but it was like I was so down, so down until underground, and even ground zero. I know I should not, but wala, that was really what I felt -- how I have felt. And sometimes, I still blame that kinda-failed milestone because lots of opportunities were wasted in just three snaps. It really hurts whenever I reminisce this bittersweet story, but maybe, hopefully maybe, everything does happen for a reason. Undoubtedly, heartbreaks happen to me from time to time. Yes, both mini and big heart attacks. They just do not show on the exterior, so it looks as if I am a pErFecT girL. But as said, I am not. I am human. I am an ordinary human being who has been healing from her battle scars for years already. And actually! One of the ways I thought about how I could redeem the self? To try my guts at the University of the Philippines - Diliman! UP was not my dream school when I was a teen, to be honest. Only until I saw its wondrous beauty and unfailing greatness when I immersed myself in the community via Dada. And since then, I have fallen in love with the unibersidad. Yasss, I was kinda in the community already even before I enrolled. To officially adopt me as an Iska, I passed some requirements and hoped I would be admitted to a Master's program. And oh, sweet mother of God, I did! Uuuuuu! But you know, in all honesty, I may not be reaching this higher education in the best university in the country if I got the Latin Honors in AdU. I know myself enough, so I know having that title would make me satisfyingly proud of myself already. I may not be where I am now if ever things did not go this way. Cos aAahHhh, seems like the Universe has other, bigger plans for me! Shookt that I got in here because I just really tried! Cannot believe this is even better than laude! Thanks, I guess, to that pain, I challenged myself and see where I am now -- in at the top-tier university in the PH, blessing the heart and the mind with honor and excellence! I thought I already reached the top of the mountain, so it was a dead-end already. But I think the summit is still far and that traverse before was just a subordinate peak. Or possibly, there might be a higher path to climb. And I think and I feel, I do not have just one mountain. I may even have a mountain range! Truly grateful I got lifted, but I also believe I could lift some more. So up! And up and up and up all the way! Who would have thought I could make Mama's dreams come true? Who would have thought I do not just deserve to be an Academic Merit Awardee in the curriculum vitae, but a Master's degree holder instead? Who would have thought I could beat my own record and surprise myself even more? Wahhhhh! Feels like living a dream! Well... I know I am still not done with my graduate program and it would be the worst to jinx things again, but! I just want to share the point that this perfect girl whom people thought or told is not true. I am very imperfect and I experienced lots of failures. I had lots of sad days, bad moments, insecurities, frustrations, even lots and lots and lots of breakdowns! I may look like I have it all together, but that does not mean what I carry are not heavy. I am perfectly imperfect and that is the reason I get up in the morning and beat myself. I thought failing would actually end my life, but it just opened me to know who I am, to what I deserve, you know. And goddd, writing such good shizz feels sooooo good! Manifesting these! Pretty You-niverse, please! Still a work in progress, but one day, I will be a masterpiece. Not perfect and I reiterate that. Super flawed pa nga eh. But I would be so proud to share my beautiful self with the whole world. In time. Insert fingers crossed here! And I may be taking my envisioned dreams one day at a time, but I would get there, too. Would make sure I will. I can, so therefore I would! It is and may be true that I am blessed with lots of amazing gifts from God and the Universe. I am sincerely grateful for all the love I have been receiving that I already become one! My whole imperf being would forever be thankful to be born this way, to live this way, to shine this way. Yay for the good starting line! But at the same time, yay for the wonderful run I am still taking! Yay for the ups and downs and in-betweens. Yay for the lessons learned, as well as the regrets and what-ifs that keep me going! Because seriously though... I still cheer for the weak moments and bad days of my life as these are when I believe I could be stronger, greater, fuller. I may still feel lost, hopeless, unanswered with the phases I have lived. However! I have a clear vision for myself! And that is what I am holding on -- that is what I am eyeing on, that is what I am pursuing on, that is what I am growing on. Life may, or nay, always shit the heaven out of me, but still... Rooting for the past, present, and hopefully the future better, and even the best and the best-est version of Jessica Mikaela! 💖
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THE BLOG-GIRLE L A M A N I L A Ela Mones, a Filipina girl,
is a passionate lifestyle blogger who loves to express her unforgettable life experiences and best moments through words, photos, and videos 💖
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