For me, the so-called existential crisis happens. It is real. As I -- I have experienced it. Whenever I was asked what I wanna be when I was a kid, I answered lots of occupations like a doctor, nurse, flight attendant, and such. I wanted to be a Psych major and a dentist as well. But! I did not have a specific dream in mind and I thought that was normal because, as the sayings go, I will just cross the bridge when I get there. Plus, I can be whoever I wanna be anyway. And besides, I would land to who, what, where I am supposed to be in time. I personally believe in those uplifting adages, but with too many choices around, of course, things could be a little messy. This was why I just went with the flow. No one forced me to take Communication, unlike other parents out there who tell their kids that you should pull this course or that degree. I did have my dream school, but I did not care even if I get in or fail. Our parents told me and my sis that studying well and finishing our studies are enough and their dreams would come true already. Back then, their dreams were the only dreams I opted for myself, so I felt sooo okay already knowing I made it! I did my all, especially in college, even if I was not sure if that was the fitting course and right school for me. I just really gone through schooling because that was what I am expected to do and I must hold to their dream, so I could get by. I thought graduating was just the goal. As in, no lies. Thought all is already well once I am done with that. But, little do I know, there are more to life after finishing the preparatory-elementary-secondary-tertiary education process! No one told me about living the dream I want for myself. So when I walked to the real world? Shookt! To be honest, I did not know that I have to work after college. Like, I must. As in, m-u-s-t. While my classmates were already applying for jobs, I stayed at home watching movies and series. I bonded with my family first since I had to prepare for my Reyna-Emperatriz character for the sagala. And my favorite Tita, together with her family, came home from Hawaii, so I was their tourist guide. Also tried traveling outside the fam circle, too. Yes, with friends and Dada's! Basta, basta! Basta ganun. I did not go to work right after graduation. I took my time to destress. And to think of things as suggested by our professor in Business English. Because those days, I was contemplating... Being dragged down at the last minute of the golden college days and fast-pacing to a new, unknown world out there, I got and still have questions in mind that are left unanswered until now. Like? Did I choose the correct course? Should I have fought for my slot in UP or UST? Would these quote-unquote achievements really bring me a quote-unquote success? What do I wanna be for real? I kept on asking things because I had no idea about the other dimension I was gonna enter. I did not know how and where to start because I have no guide. While I appreciate my parents not meddling with my life decisions, but I really felt so lost for years. Not sure if I was unlucky or what, but I really started from zero! I have no mentor, no connections, no certainty. I always got to go to job-seeking websites and wait for employers to email or text me knowing I would be offered low rates. Indefinites and unfairness were so around in the real world, especially for a fresh graduate like me. As an ordinary butterfly who is just waiting for metamorphosis, I am proud that I am already here. Actually? Proud I am still here! 💖 Yes, I am way way wayyy grateful I have my family and friends with me. But most days, to be honest, I was walking alone. Not sure if it is because of my history being independent on my own feet? Or because at times, I feel better doing my own decisions instead of relying upon other people's pieces of advice? Because by that, at least, I have no one to blame but myself. Yup. That happened before already. I still was not in the mood to apply for jobs after graduation. I was in a crisis with my existence. Like I do not care if I have no work yet. But then, Mama pushed me to get one. So I did. Even when that was not the title I am goaling on and not the salary I deserve, I accepted the work. Elders said that that is normal as I am a fresh grad. Gross working traditions in the Philippines, huh. But even if I love that company because of the people, I hated what I was doing because I know I can do better! Yes, I was excelling there. But maybe, a part of me hated that I should have not let myself be dictated. All my life, I was not. So why now? Because that is life, right. It should not be forced. Gotta let it unfold! I learned my lesson. So! When an opportunity knocked in, I grabbed it to escape my current situation. Thank God, at least, much enough pay for my living, the field that I want, plus good colleagues. Yay, right! It felt so good because no one dictated me to do that transfer! It was all my decision. The choice was in my control. It was a good stay there, but I was becoming stagnant. The management was also slow, so my promotion was, too. So! When another company, with the role I wanted, contacted me? I leaped again. Lucky me, I got in and there was nothing to ask for already! Everything seemed good to me. From the travel time to the management, colleagues, workload, pay. It's just that, sadly, the coy had to close due to insufficient funds. But yeah. Yeah! I know my game now. I decide for myself depending on the circumstances. Leave crappy jobs for better jobs. That job-hopping cycle might not be understood by everyone. But I am glad to where I am, where I have been, and where I will be. Realized it all gets better. So, I feel good hoping, despite not arriving at my final destination yet 💖 There were moments I do not know if I feel happy with me jinxing the supposed Latin Honors I should have gotten during my undergraduate degree. If I would go back five years before, I must have hated myself so, so, sooo much because I believed that this title was a kickstarter to my professional life. However, coming to this day already, I kinda see it as a blessing in disguise. Becauuuuuse, if I got this Magna Cum Laude award, I might be different from who I am now. I might not be this humble and inferior girl we all know, so I might not move smart and hard. I might not enroll at the University of the Philippines - Diliman to redeem myself because there is nothing to prove anyway. I might not be pushing my ass off because I feel successful already. Or? I might be veryyy much pressured to be successful since I graduated with high-ranking, flying colors. I imagine myself if I could accept the me right now, the job I am in right now, the things I am doing whilst getting that superb recognition. I think I would be disappointed in myself a million times more because loud and proud laude, but ganyan o ganito lang? At least, no hard to harder feelings now. I might be stressed, more stressed if things went the other way. Because I know myself, so I would probably be if ever that was the alternate result. I am most likely to succeed because I am the overall Top 3 of the batch. Pressure! But a nonsense pressure, actually. If I would go back to the perfect-girl phase, like my Gabriella-Montez season who got them all together, I could. Definitely! I really would! But that is kinda done. I am now in another book. I can bring that with me, but that is already in the past. Plans changed. Seasons changed. I wanna work that through, but I have to wait for the revolving phase in order for that to happen again. Right now, all I want are good food every day, a place to stay whatever the season is, my family being complete, me being happy with work, me continuing my blogging dreams. Just those and I would be sooo happy already. Why bother adding weight on insensible things just because you see others have a different kind of success than you? If titles and material things mean success to you, go. But for me, these are! More so, I am learning and unlearning the real meaning of success as the days go on, so let us do this, girl! 💖 Yes, I started at the bottom. But aAaHhhhh! Every experience would lead to where we are meant to be talaga. Such encounters from back then to the present has made me realize things. Thus, helped me understand what things I am aiming for. Yes, the existential crisis gets harder and harder, especially when there is no light to see. But if one listens to the mind and own heart, he/she must know. And there, we would know we are just right on track. Uh-huh, I did those and knew I am just on the right path. To be honest, I am not happy with my work now. Worst ever! Just getting through life because there is an ongoing pandemic, so I gotta fight through. But! I am proud of myself. Always been proud. And I just grasped it while journaling. Every time I go back to the old days, I see an amazing, lovely, beautiful girl who is filled with knowledge, wisdom, diligence, strength, and determination. I love her for that because it made me the person I am today. Reviewing not only my academic credentials but also my life history, I wanna tap myself and give her some claps. Who would have thought that this independent girl, guided and unguided, has been rising her way to the world! Yes, I questioned my existence since I dropped the Latin Honors. Then it continued in the real world. Plus, the master's degree I wanna take. Also my passion for blogging. Plus family. And external factors I am not in control of like this global health crisis and other people's minds. But you know? It is okay. I am still figuring out what I wanna be, but I have glimpses of who I want to be already 💖 While I am sincerely grateful for doing things, working life on my own... In all honesty, I wish I have better guidance from other people as well, of course. I super hope, still am, to have a mentor who could lead my way on the rightest path. I seem okay now, but almost five years since I graduated and I am still not that person I thought I would be. I feel frustrated. But it is a good frustration, I swear. I am not rushing. I am just executing. That is true! I thought that by twenty-five, I have a family already. Also a house, a car, my dream clothes and bags and shoes. And you know, just the stable life. Right now, I have no plans of running a business. Maybe, maybe in the future. Why not anyway! Yet for now, I just want to be that CEO of my life -- the chief executive offer who makes my own decisions, manages my overall actions, operates my true purpose. I hope to be that CEO, or rather a she-e-o because I am a woman, who loves herself and the Universe so much that no one can shake her anymore. I aim to be that she-e-o filled with motivation, inspiration, and drive. That someone who not just works her things smart, but does things with a heart. I may just have a start-up life until now. However? I believe that in His perfect time, I would also call my passion project a success. I wanna be that boss who acts like a leader and a follower, a hooman who respects other human beings, an advocate who thinks of other people as well. I still have lots of things to learn, but I will never give up. I may have a long way to go, but I will keep going! I will keep crawling, leaping, walking, running, swimming. I will keep moving forward no matter what! 💖 Notes To My Shee-E-O Self:
To blooming the bea-you-tiful person
and to transforming the best version of myself I pray to be... Aja! 💖
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THE BLOG-GIRLE L A M A N I L A Ela Mones, a Filipina girl,
is a passionate lifestyle blogger who loves to express her unforgettable life experiences and best moments through words, photos, and videos 💖
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